Today I feel numb.
Actually, I take that back. I don’t feel numb. I feel everything. All at once, and then nothing at all. I feel sensitive to God’s spirit, and at the same time, so far from His promises. Sometimes even so far from Him. Is that too vulnerable a thing to say as the founder of this movement? The girl you all look up to?
Maybe, but I want to be real with you guys. Authentic to my true self. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I don’t want our closest interaction to be through Instagram comments or a blog. I want to be someone relatable, someone real. Or at least as personal and real as I can be through the Internet.
I’m here to give you a “me too” perspective. Lately, I've felt my life in transition. I can't quite explain it in detail, mostly because I don't even have the details myself. All I can say, is the Lord is answering prayers I've prayed for years in ways I didn't expect, and quicker than I could have ever imagined. I have been dying to go to a new level in every area of my life for 2 years now. I prayed God would open new doors in full-time ministry, in my business, through this movement, but didn't realize how uncomfortable change could be.
Life is hard. It’s not just hard, it’s disappointing. It’s filled with closed doors and missed opportunities. It’s filled with failed relationships from the man you thought you'd marry. It's filled with unexpected death and an overwhelming darkness. In life you'll hear comments like “you’re not quite slender enough to model” (words spoken over me). It’s filled with “Your voice is good but it doesn’t really stand out.” (words spoken over me). It’s filled with “have you gained weight?” comments and “You’re still not finished with college?” snide remarks. (all spoken over me).
Maybe you’re form Mainstream Orlando and only know me as the girl who used to intern who’s always on stage or in videos. Maybe you’re from Missouri (born and raised there until the age of 17, low-key a small-town girl) and knew me in high school. Maybe you’re reading this and you’re an Assemblies of God student or leader, who only knows me from church events and my over-filtered (and extremely planned-out/staged) IG photos. No shame in my IG game. Maybe you've found yourself here through social media. Either way, I want to tell you today, I'm not perfect.
Today, I’m sad.
Today, I'm going to tell you why.
I woke up anxious, worried, insecure about pretty much every area of my life, and just, sad. I want you to know that my romantic relationship is not always #goals and #getmarriedalready comments from Instagram. We disagree and we worry and we cry. We've broken up multiple times and fought the same battles many of you face as a Christian couple. Dating is amazing, and equally hard.
I want you to know that even though I have a lot of friends, I have very few close friends, and even fewer close friends that can relate to me on a deep level. I actually lost a lot of close friends this year. I have trust issues from being burned a lot in the past. Can we all just agree that it's so much easier to live in isolation rather than risking being truly open with someone who might not stick around? It's an every day battle, and I don't always feel victorious after that war.
I want you to know that sometimes I get really bad nightmares, terrible ones. Ones so horrific that I sleep with my 14 year old sister every once in a while, because I hate being alone. I pray through this constantly, and lean into God as my peace and protection. Sometimes, though, my fear gets the best of me. I hate that about me.
I want you to know that I hate my natural hair. It’s hard to manage, it’s a straight up. un-combable FRO’, so I straighten it, use chemicals, get extensions, braids or whatever I need to do to feel pretty.
I want you to know that I wasn’t confident enough to be in front of my friends/boyfriend with zero makeup on until 2 years ago, maybe less.
I want you to know that even though there are so many reasons to wake up sad and insecure and wallow in that darkness - there is also light. A light. The light.
His name is Jesus, and He loves me on my worst day. On my saddest day, He loves me today. The love Jesus gives me is a love nothing and no one, not even my parents, or my boyfriend of almost 4 years can even come close to. I’m filled with tears as I write this, because this revelation is speaking to me, as I’m sharing it with you.
I don’t have a deep, spiritual revelation for you guys today. It’s simply this:
On your worst day, Jesus loves you.
He’s a sweet, sweet friend when human friends have failed you. He’s an expert counselor when you feel no one can relate. He’s a comforter when our hearts our troubled. He’s perfect, and dependable and He’s.. there. He’s always there.
Today, I was sad, but after writing this, I have hope. I hope you do too.
Don't ever forget, YOU are a Daughter of Day. A queen in every sense of the word.