How ya doin boo boo!
LONG time no talk. Like, 4 months too long. I apologize for being MIA these last few months. 2017 came in like a wrecking ball. (already regret making a 2015 Miley reference but anyway let's just move on) As many of you know, I'm getting married in 5 weeks. Yeah, FIVE. Like I can count how many weeks on one hand. What. the. heck. Like any major transitional season in life, I'm completely freaking out. Not because I don't think Jason (my angel fiancé) is the one, but because I've never felt more inadequate and under qualified. (I can't cook, have some body image issues I'm working through, never moved out of my parents house, I HATE moving cities, i've done it 3 times and hated the process every time and more, ugh.) I've realized these issues, and more, stem from some deep-rooted insecurities that I am praying through, every day, multiple times a day. Being a woman can just be like, a hot mess sometimes. Amirite.
Now, I have a question for you though, have you ever felt sad for no reason?
You couldn't explain it, but you just woke up, sad. That's happened to me quite a few times this summer. I'm sure that's coming as a big surprise to a lot of my followers out there who follow my personal accounts (@biancavw on Instagram, @bianca_vanwindt Twitter #shamelessplug). Seriously though, all this change in the past year has changed ME emotionally. In a weird way, I feel like as amazing as this last year was, from hosting 2 Daughters Gatherings (my goal was 4, but, it is what it is) - to getting engaged, getting my first full-time salary adult job, to being weeks away from marriage and moving away from my family and friends... it's been a little taxing on my heart. I don't think I adjust to change easily. I always need more time than I realize, and it's always harder than I remember. Can you relate?
This summer was great. Just great, like I said before. I truly did achieve some amazing things that I'm very proud of, and I made some amazing new friends along the way. I also lost some amazing friends along the way, and made some mistakes I'm not so proud of. I think I became more materialistic this summer, which I'm not proud of, but I also learned a lot about myself. I learned that I'm not really an extrovert. Or maybe I am, but the light that used to shine brightly through my "extrovert" personality got dimmed. I couldn't tell you why right now, I think it's just a result of life. My paychecks became bigger, and I began to spend more. My platform grew, and I became pickier about where I spent my time. My successes outshone my failures, and my attitude reflected that, in ways I'm not always proud of. With more on my plate, and more at stake - anxiety kept my mind racing, I might have even become a workaholic. I lost focus of passions I invested in for years. Passions like singing, songwriting, leading worship, playing guitar, church leadership, serving others, fitness, random adventures. I just, grew up, and grew out of the old me, but I'm not sure I'm completely happy with who I am now.
I guess summer 2017 was, as King Kylie predicted, "the year of realizing stuff." That's probably why I haven't written a blog post in 4 months, I haven't had much to say because I've been processing, and I just can't put words, and pieces of my heart out there until I am fully ready. So I focused on planning the June Daughters Gathering, which was a huge success! Almost 100 women came, which is so crazy in comparison with the first one in December 2016 that had around 50 (I'll post a blog post on both for those that don't live in FL sometime soon!).I poured my heart and soul into the organization side of Daughters of Day - the business and corporate side, I networked a lot. I put a lot of time, energy, and of course money into planning my wedding, and a friends wedding. I just gave ALL of me to everything, and didn't pray a lot. I didn't read my Bible a lot. I didn't even attend church a lot. After Jason moved to Miami for an unexpected job opening in February, I had recently stepped down from church leadership to give my all to DOD, and haven't been planted in a home church for about a year. I can really see how that decision has effected my heart. I just realized this summer that I'm not who I want to be, and I want to give the fall to fully stepping back into who I was before DOD, before my engagement, before all of it. I want to get back to the heart of who I AM.
I want to re-ignite the sparkle in my eye and the sense of belonging and peace I feel when I serve the church. Whether that's writing a song for our congregation to connect to, or folding chairs and picking up trash - my heart BEATS for ministry. It ultimately just beats for helping others. I miss that version of me.
If you are in a similar season, maybe not identical to mine, but maybe you feel as if you've lost yourself a bit this summer, or in the last few months. Maybe something, or someone - dimmed the light that used to shine bright in you. Maybe like me, you wake up sometimes and just feel down.
You're not alone. As women, I believe the most powerful tool we hold in our toolbox is transparency. There are so many hardships and obstacles we face as females. From body insecurities, comparison, competitive spirits, accompanied by sensitive, emotional hearts. It's how we're wired, and that's completely okay. Our job, knowing our weaknesses, is to CONNECT with other women and lean on them for support when we feel less-than. It's so important. We often isolate ourselves, when we're processing something. I would encourage you to speak to someone about what you're feeling. Whether that be an older sister, a friend you look up to, or even someone you admire on Instagram, a mentor, church leader - whatever! We just need each other, I myself even need to surround myself more with women that push me to be the best version of myself.
Reach out to me if you'd like to chat more on what I posted about above, I know it was a lot of rambling! There's so much more I have to share. Maybe I should start a YouTube?
ANYWAY, I'm done talking. I'm going to do my very best to never make you wait this long for a post again. I love you guys with my whole hearts and it was so encouraging to see SO many of you faithfully reading old blog posts while I took such a long hiatus. I love reading your sweet DM's, they light up my day, and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside! I wish I could personally hug each and every one of you. Your support is everything.
Always remember, YOU are a Daughter of Day. A queen here on Earth.